EPISODE 10: LIFE LESSONS

Speaker: 00:00:07

Hello and welcome to a Postdocs Journal,

the show that takes you through my journey

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into and eventually out of academia

as a postdoctoral research scientist.

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My name is Simit Patel.

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Hello.

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Hello.

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Thank you very much for joining me.

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Welcome back to those of you who may

have listened to the show before, and

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if you're listening for the very first

time, a very warm welcome to you as well.

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If you don't already know, this podcast

is based on my own personal journal.

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In each episode, I read out a journal

entry from about 12 years ago, back

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when I was working in academia as

a research scientist, as a postdoc.

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After I embarrass myself, I reflect on

it, I analyze it, I try to make sense of

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it, and share my thoughts with you today,

with the benefit of 12 years of hindsight.

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If you are a student or a postdoc, or

you're just struggling in academia, or

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if you're not in academia at all and you

can just relate to things like stress

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in the workplace, imposter syndrome,

loneliness, I hope that by sharing my

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own personal experience with you, that

helps you to feel a little bit less alone.

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In today's episode, we jump to

December: 2013

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my second year of my postdoc.

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There's always something about this time

of year, in the run up to Christmas,

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that just makes me fucking miserable.

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It's probably the weather, it could be

SAD, Sad Seasonal Affective Disorder.

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Uh, either way, uh, this

journal entry is no exception.

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At this point in my postdoc, I

was working extremely hard, uh,

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but I just wasn't seeing any

results from any of that hard work.

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And this really starts to eat away at

my self confidence and self esteem.

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This is a very special journal entry

for me because, despite how miserable

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I was, it does document the very first

time I started thinking about one

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of the most important lessons that I

learned from my time in academia when

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it comes to navigating my career.

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And these are the lessons

that I still live by today.

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The journal entry documents the

very first steps I took towards

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leaving academia, but of course,

I didn't realise that at the time.

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So have a listen to the reading now,

and I'll be back at the end to share

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some thoughts with you, with the

benefit of 12 years of hindsight.

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Enjoy.

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10th December 2013.

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It's been a tough few weeks.

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Haven't really written about

this, although I should have.

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The short version is, I've

been underperforming at work,

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and my boss has told me this.

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I don't know the solution.

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I'm not even sure I

understand the problem.

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It's not so much how hard I'm

working, I work harder than anyone.

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It's the way I'm working.

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It's the way my mind works.

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The question that's been on my mind

lately is that, should I change

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the way I work to suit the job?

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Or should I change the job to

suit the way I like to work?

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I won't address that question here.

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I'm still trying to work

things out on that one.

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I just wanted to record that question

here because it's been getting

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me down in the last few weeks.

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I lost my confidence more than anything.

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I bumped into a friend on the

train going home the other day.

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We actually don't know

each other that well.

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We've just done a few gigs together,

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so we were chatting just getting

to know each other a little more.

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I was telling her a long list of things

about me and she seemed very impressed.

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I'm a scientist.

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I have a PhD.

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I do music.

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I write my own songs.

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I sing.

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I play guitar.

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I'm young.

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I do improv, but I was getting

no joy from her being impressed.

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Usually I would.

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I would usually think to myself, actually,

I am quite an impressive person because

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I would see this person telling me That

they think I'm an impressive person, but

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this time I didn't believe I was actually

an impressive person and deserved any

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praise I didn't feel proud of myself I'm,

not seeing myself in a good way right

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now I've lost a lot of belief in myself

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I'm, not a good scientist at all.

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There's a lot of evidence to

support that Yes, I have a

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phd, but I didn't deserve it.

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I worked hard, but I didn't work well

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Yes, I'm a musician, but I haven't

written any new songs in ages.

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Playing guitar and doing

improv is my little treat

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that I like to give to myself.

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It's my reward for doing well at work.

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Right now, it doesn't feel

like I deserve a reward.

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I went to an expat

meetup thing last night.

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I wanted to try and meet new people,

just to try and get my confidence back.

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It sort of worked.

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I guess.

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I met some people that were nice

enough, but I had very little interest

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in becoming friends with them.

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It felt like all the people there,

including me, were desperately

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clinging on to the smallest things

that we all have in common and kidding

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ourselves that that made us friends.

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People that go to these things are lonely.

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It saddens me that I'm

now one of those people.

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Ah, the dreaded Christmas plans.

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I'll be going home for a few

days this year, for nothing.

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I don't really want to see

anyone at home, to be honest.

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Then I'll fly back to

Frankfurt for New Year's.

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Also for nothing.

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I think I'll end up spending

most of my time on my own again.

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Or maybe I'll be lonely and miserable

at another expat meetup event.

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Is that sadder than being alone?

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I'm not sure.

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Okay, thank you very much

for listening to that.

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As usual, I've written down

some thoughts after reading

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that back and hearing that back.

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There's quite a lot going on

in this entry, and I have very

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mixed feelings about this one.

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Part of me felt really excited when I

read this journal entry again because

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I could see myself starting to develop

the mindset that I needed to leave

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academia, although I actually didn't even

realize I was doing that at the time.

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And I'm excited to get the chance to

expand on that and share that with you.

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But at the same time, this

journal entry was quite sad.

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28 year old Simit had completely

lost his confidence at this point,

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and I can remember just how much

of an impact that had on me.

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And it's not pleasant to see

myself going through that and

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see myself suffer so much.

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So i'm going to talk a little bit about

how this journal entry shows some of

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the mindset changes I started to make

in order to leave academia I'll talk a

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little bit about self esteem and i'll

share some ideas and thoughts I have on

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self kindness Or unkindness in this case

and i'll talk a little bit about adult

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loneliness as well This journal entry is

the very first written record I have of

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The most important question I had to ask

myself when it came to leaving academia.

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And it's actually one of the most

important lessons I've learned in life,

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in terms of making career choices.

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And to this day it's really guided me

through all my, my career decisions.

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So I asked the question in the journal

entry, should I change the way I work

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to suit the job, or should I change

the job to suit the way I like to work?

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I hadn't figured out the answer to

this question at this point when I

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wrote this journal entry, but this was

the time that that seed was planted.

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I can tell you that I eventually figured

out the answer to that question, and yes,

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you should always change the job to suit

the way you like to work, if you can.

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Today, 12 years later, I

still live by that rule.

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The job should suit the

way you like to work.

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When I say the way you like to work, I

mean things like the nature of the tasks

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you do, uh, how success is measured.

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How your technical skills and softer

skills are valued, what skills you

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actually use, the impact you have

on people, on society, on whatever,

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the type of people that you have

to interact with on a day to day

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basis, the level of autonomy that you

have, all of those sorts of things.

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And there needs to be an alignment

between the way you naturally

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like to work and the job itself.

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I'm not saying that being totally

inflexible is your ticket to success.

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Not at all.

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Of course, you do need to be

adaptable and change a little bit

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to suit the needs of your work.

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But what I'm saying is that change

that you have to make should be a

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positive change that aligns with

your values and benefits you.

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There should not be changes that you have

to make against your values and against

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the way that you actually like to work.

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I'll probably end up revisiting this

theme in future journal entries, for

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now I can tell you that by asking this

question, this is what started me on the

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process to firstly figure out how I like

to work and how I don't like to work,

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and then later on I found job titles that

aligned with the way that I like to work.

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And this was really the main thing

that led me out of academia eventually.

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For example, one aspect of academic

research is that it is never ending.

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There's a never ending nature

to scientific research.

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Working on a research topic is like

having a massive mountain to climb.

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No matter how close you think you're

getting to the top, you look up and

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there's just still so far to go.

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You could be climbing that mountain for

decades and it will still never end.

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I'm sure there are some people that

really love that about academic research.

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Some of you may love that

about academic research.

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The never ending nature of it is something

that could motivate you, helps you to

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thrive, it helps you to, to keep going.

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If that's the case for you,

then great, good for you.

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But for me, there was this misalignment

between how I like to work and

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the nature of academic research.

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I realised that I didn't like

working on these massive,

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seemingly never ending projects.

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I much prefer to work on smaller,

bite sized pieces of work.

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When a bite sized piece of work

is complete, it's fully complete.

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That's the end.

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That's the end, and you can

move on to the next bit of work.

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That's just one example, but there

were lots of other things that

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led to this misalignment too.

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And eventually this helped me

to find my calling as a field

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application scientist, or a FAS.

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That was my first job outside of academia.

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And as a FAS, you end up working

on lots of standalone, bite sized

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tasks, like tech support cases, a

specific piece of user documentation.

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a specific training workshop, etc.

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And when one of those tasks ends

it's done and you can move on to

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something else And in a lot of

cases you don't have to revisit that

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specific task That was much more in

alignment with the way I like to work.

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Right now, in 2025, I'm transitioning

away from being a FAZ because I've

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changed, and I need to find new work

that's in alignment with those changes.

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Since leaving academia, I have also

ended up in situations where I was

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being forced to go against this

idea, where I was constantly having

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to change the way I work to suit the

job in a way that was uncomfortable

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for me, and that's been a source of

great conflict for me in some jobs.

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Sometimes life doesn't allow

you the luxury of being able to

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leave a job that you don't like.

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Sometimes you have to stick around because

you need the steady paycheck or you've

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got a family to support or whatever.

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But one thing I have learned when

you are forced to live against your

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beliefs and your values is that that

conflict can really help solidify what

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your beliefs and values actually are.

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When you find yourself living in

a way that goes against what's

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important to you, you can get this

strong sense in your gut that tells

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you you're doing something wrong.

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And that's a very clear message from

inside you that what you're doing is

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going against your beliefs and values,

and that's a great way to figure out

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what your beliefs and values are.

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So I still live by this belief today, and

it really has guided me through my career

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and Many other things in my life over

the next few episodes and going into the

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third year of my postdoc you'll see how I

Evolved this belief and used it to guide

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myself out of academia in this journal

entry I hadn't really arrived at that

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point where I figured out any of this yet.

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I was just asking the question I was still

at the point where I had this belief that

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there was something wrong with me I was

still at the point where I thought there

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was a fundamental problem with me and

my approach and the way I was working.

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I thought there was, you know, something

wrong with the way my brain was wired or

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something that prevented me from churning

out publications the way I needed to be.

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And I was working extremely hard at

this point and I tried everything

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to change myself to suit the job.

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I was trying every project management

technique to become more efficient.

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I had this big wall of crazy

in my office where I just.

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Started sticking these notes and

sheets of paper and I was connecting

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everything, but string, uh, I was going

totally crazy Just trying to use every

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technique I could possibly think of to

make me more efficient and work better

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and more productively I was drinking

coffee on the way to work so that When

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I arrived at my desk, I would be fully

caffeinated and I was ready to start

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working from the second I sat down.

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And it was working.

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I was, like, being very productive.

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I was pumping out hundreds of

samples in the lab every week.

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I was working on three projects at a time.

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I was ticking off those individual things

I had to do every week from my to do list.

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I was putting in so much effort

and working with such intensity.

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I was genuinely trying my best.

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And yet, I was being told that my

performance wasn't good enough by my boss.

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Because in academia,

it's not about effort.

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It's about publications, grants,

and these other very specific

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bullshit metrics of success.

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Putting in so much effort and being

told that it's not good enough

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completely destroyed my self esteem.

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And that's because I couldn't see any

external evidence in my environment

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around me that I was any good at my job.

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So I was led to the conclusion

that I wasn't good at my job.

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I was getting a feeling

of intrinsic satisfaction.

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When I was ticking

things off my to do list.

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And I remember moments of feeling like

I was doing the best I possibly could

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do, and I should be pleased with that.

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So there was some small amount of

positive feedback, but I was getting

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that internally, not externally.

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Externally, I had my boss telling me

I wasn't performing well enough, I was

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nearly two years into my postdoc, and

I had no first author publication yet.

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I remember my boss telling me

in academia, it's up or out.

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You're either constantly

publishing and climbing a ladder

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or you're on your way out.

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I was also seeing other colleagues and

postdocs publish in Science and Nature.

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Every few weeks it felt like there was a

champagne celebration at 11am to celebrate

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someone else's academic achievement.

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And that just served as a little

reminder that it was never my academic

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achievement and I was falling behind.

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Later on in the entry, I explained how I

usually rely on external validation from

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others for me to feel good about myself.

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Like the interaction I had

with that friend on the train.

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I also needed that external validation

from my work environment to tell

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me that I was doing well at work.

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And I wasn't really getting that.

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There is probably some negativity

bias at play here, where I was

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giving more weight to that negative

external reinforcement rather than

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that positive internal reinforcement.

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Either way, the impact of all of this

was that I was really losing confidence.

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I had a total lack of self esteem.

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I even said in that journal entry that

I didn't believe I deserved to be happy.

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Looking back on that period of time

and trying to figure out what I could

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have done differently to make sure that

I was pumping out papers much faster

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is a gigantic waste of time, I think.

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I think it's more valuable and more

useful to talk about how unkind I was

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being to myself and what I could have

done differently in that respect.

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Frankly, learning how to navigate your

emotions will carry you much further

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in life than a few publications.

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All the things I wrote after

that interaction I had with my

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friend on the train was Me being

extremely unkind to myself.

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I didn't feel proud of myself, I

didn't believe in myself, and it

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really breaks my heart to hear

myself put myself down so much.

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It's like seeing someone I

love and care about being hurt.

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I always end each episode of this podcast

by saying, please be kind to yourself.

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I think a lot of people don't

know how to do that exactly.

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I certainly didn't back then.

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I think being kind to yourself can

be quite an abstract concept to

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people, especially when Uh, you're

in a negative mindset and it's very

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hard to understand what that is.

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One thing that has helped me to understand

what it means to be kind to yourself is

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to recognize in the moment when you're not

being kind to yourself, catching yourself

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doing it while you're doing it and calling

yourself out on it can really help you to

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understand this concept of self kindness.

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It helps you to take that moment that

you need to sort of step outside of

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yourself and look at the situation

as if you were talking to a friend.

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In general, I think that's not really easy

to do, but if you learn and teach yourself

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and you train yourself to recognize

the moments that you are being unkind

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to yourself, that can really help you.

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It's kind of similar to what I

was saying before about, uh, going

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against your beliefs to understand

what your beliefs actually are.

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Sometimes it's only possible

to understand something.

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By seeing the opposite what I wish I

had done at the time that I was writing

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this journal entry Is let myself have

that low self esteem moment and say a

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bunch of bad things about myself and

then Do a little bit more work to call

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: 00:19:11

myself out on it and write a few extra

sentences saying Everything I wrote just

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there is me being very unkind to myself.

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: 00:19:19

That's probably not helpful.

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: 00:19:20

I deserve a lot better That's what

I do today, anyway, and I can tell

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: 00:19:25

you that it helps to break that cycle

of self unkindness and then once

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: 00:19:30

you do that Somehow self kindness

just naturally flows from there.

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: 00:19:36

At the end of this journal entry, I

touched on a few challenges Around

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: 00:19:41

being an expat in a foreign country,

making friends, and loneliness.

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: 00:19:46

I shared some opinions I had about expat

friendships and how many of those are born

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: 00:19:52

out of desperation, which is not the best

foundation for long lasting friendships.

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: 00:19:58

I think my loneliness was at

an all time high at this point.

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: 00:20:01

Adult loneliness in general is, is a huge

topic and there are some great podcasts

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: 00:20:06

out there by people much smarter than

me who are talking about this at length.

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: 00:20:10

All I will say about it, uh, knowing what

I know now, Is that it definitely takes

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: 00:20:15

a long time to form real friendships.

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: 00:20:18

They say that you need to spend

at least 200 hours with someone

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: 00:20:21

to actually form a friendship.

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: 00:20:23

And making friends certainly

gets harder as you get older.

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: 00:20:27

I think the life of a postdoc

in general can be very lonely.

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: 00:20:31

Because you are getting older

and you don't have a lot of

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: 00:20:34

time to form proper friendships.

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: 00:20:37

Most post doc contracts are

short, fixed term contracts.

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: 00:20:41

So you don't really get more

than one or two years to try and

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: 00:20:43

make friends and build a life.

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: 00:20:45

It's just not enough time.

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: 00:20:47

Compared to a PhD, for example, where

you might have four, five, or even

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: 00:20:51

six years where you spend time with

other people who are a similar age

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: 00:20:55

and in the same situation to you.

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: 00:20:58

And there are lots of factors

that contribute to loneliness.

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: 00:21:01

In my case, when I wrote this journal

entry, my life was set up in a way

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: 00:21:05

that amplified a lot of loneliness.

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: 00:21:07

You know, doing independent research

in academia is a lonely experience.

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: 00:21:11

Being an expat in a foreign

country is a lonely experience.

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: 00:21:14

Living alone can be a lonely experience.

335

: 00:21:16

And I didn't know if I was going to have

to leave the country in a few months

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: 00:21:19

or not because I still had this fixed

term contract hanging over my head.

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: 00:21:24

But this means that if you're experiencing

loneliness It's not down to an inherent

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: 00:21:29

problem with you that makes you lonely.

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: 00:21:32

It's not your personality.

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: 00:21:33

It's not the bad choices you've made.

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: 00:21:35

It's not that you're not making

enough effort or whatever.

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: 00:21:38

There are plenty of external

factors beyond your control that

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: 00:21:42

contribute to adult loneliness.

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: 00:21:44

So there you have it.

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: 00:21:46

I really enjoyed going

through that episode.

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: 00:21:48

There is a part of me that's

starting to feel like an old man

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: 00:21:52

that just has a strong urge to impart

wisdom on anyone who will listen.

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: 00:21:57

I think that happens when you get older,

you start to feel this need to give

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: 00:22:02

younger people advice based on your

own past experiences and what you've

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: 00:22:05

learned, even if people don't ask for it.

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: 00:22:09

In the next episode, we jump to 2013.

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: 00:22:15

The next journal entry is a very different

type of journal entry compared to the rest

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: 00:22:19

of the journal It takes on a completely

different format and it actually details

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: 00:22:23

the very next step I took towards leaving

academia Thank you so much for joining me.

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: 00:22:29

I hope that was valuable for you

in some way Until next time now

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: 00:22:34

that you know how to be kind to

yourself Please be kind to yourself.

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: 00:22:58

Thanks again for listening

to a postdocs journal.

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: 00:23:02

I've been your host, Samit Patel.

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: 00:23:04

If you've enjoyed this episode and you'd

like to help support the podcast, please

360

: 00:23:08

share it with others who you think

might find it helpful and interesting.

361

: 00:23:12

You could also leave a review over

at Podchaser or on Apple Podcasts.

362

: 00:23:17

If you can relate to anything in

this episode, or if you have your

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: 00:23:20

own take on this journal entry,

I would love to hear from you.

364

: 00:23:24

Please feel free to reach out to me

on LinkedIn, Instagram, or Blue Sky.

365

: 00:23:29

Links to all my social

media are in the show notes.

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: 00:23:32

Thanks again.