Episode 10
EPISODE 10: LIFE LESSONS
EPISODE 10: LIFE LESSONS
In this episode of 'A Postdoc's Journal', I read a journal entry from December 2013. This is the fist time I started asking the pivotal question that changed my life: "Should the way I work to suit the job? Or change the job to suit the way I like to work?" I discuss how this question has guided my career choices until this day and I share some ideas about how to be kind to yourself.
00:00 Introduction to the Postdocs Journal
02:40 Journal Entry
06:27 Mixed feeling about this entry
07:41 The most important life lesson I've learned
13:20 I thought there was something wrong with the way I was working
14:42 Being told that I wasn't performing well enough
17:00 How to be kind to yourself
19:38 Adult loneliness
21:43 Outro
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Transcript
Hello and welcome to a Postdocs Journal,
the show that takes you through my journey
2
:into and eventually out of academia
as a postdoctoral research scientist.
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:My name is Simit Patel.
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:Hello.
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:Hello.
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:Thank you very much for joining me.
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:Welcome back to those of you who may
have listened to the show before, and
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:if you're listening for the very first
time, a very warm welcome to you as well.
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:If you don't already know, this podcast
is based on my own personal journal.
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:In each episode, I read out a journal
entry from about 12 years ago, back
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:when I was working in academia as
a research scientist, as a postdoc.
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:After I embarrass myself, I reflect on
it, I analyze it, I try to make sense of
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:it, and share my thoughts with you today,
with the benefit of 12 years of hindsight.
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:If you are a student or a postdoc, or
you're just struggling in academia, or
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:if you're not in academia at all and you
can just relate to things like stress
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:in the workplace, imposter syndrome,
loneliness, I hope that by sharing my
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:own personal experience with you, that
helps you to feel a little bit less alone.
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:In today's episode, we jump to
December:
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:my second year of my postdoc.
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:There's always something about this time
of year, in the run up to Christmas,
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:that just makes me fucking miserable.
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:It's probably the weather, it could be
SAD, Sad Seasonal Affective Disorder.
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:Uh, either way, uh, this
journal entry is no exception.
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:At this point in my postdoc, I
was working extremely hard, uh,
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:but I just wasn't seeing any
results from any of that hard work.
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:And this really starts to eat away at
my self confidence and self esteem.
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:This is a very special journal entry
for me because, despite how miserable
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:I was, it does document the very first
time I started thinking about one
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:of the most important lessons that I
learned from my time in academia when
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:it comes to navigating my career.
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:And these are the lessons
that I still live by today.
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:The journal entry documents the
very first steps I took towards
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:leaving academia, but of course,
I didn't realise that at the time.
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:So have a listen to the reading now,
and I'll be back at the end to share
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:some thoughts with you, with the
benefit of 12 years of hindsight.
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:Enjoy.
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:10th December 2013.
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:It's been a tough few weeks.
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:Haven't really written about
this, although I should have.
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:The short version is, I've
been underperforming at work,
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:and my boss has told me this.
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:I don't know the solution.
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:I'm not even sure I
understand the problem.
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:It's not so much how hard I'm
working, I work harder than anyone.
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:It's the way I'm working.
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:It's the way my mind works.
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:The question that's been on my mind
lately is that, should I change
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:the way I work to suit the job?
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:Or should I change the job to
suit the way I like to work?
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:I won't address that question here.
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:I'm still trying to work
things out on that one.
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:I just wanted to record that question
here because it's been getting
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:me down in the last few weeks.
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:I lost my confidence more than anything.
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:I bumped into a friend on the
train going home the other day.
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:We actually don't know
each other that well.
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:We've just done a few gigs together,
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:so we were chatting just getting
to know each other a little more.
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:I was telling her a long list of things
about me and she seemed very impressed.
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:I'm a scientist.
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:I have a PhD.
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:I do music.
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:I write my own songs.
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:I sing.
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:I play guitar.
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:I'm young.
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:I do improv, but I was getting
no joy from her being impressed.
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:Usually I would.
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:I would usually think to myself, actually,
I am quite an impressive person because
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:I would see this person telling me That
they think I'm an impressive person, but
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:this time I didn't believe I was actually
an impressive person and deserved any
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:praise I didn't feel proud of myself I'm,
not seeing myself in a good way right
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:now I've lost a lot of belief in myself
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:I'm, not a good scientist at all.
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:There's a lot of evidence to
support that Yes, I have a
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:phd, but I didn't deserve it.
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:I worked hard, but I didn't work well
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:Yes, I'm a musician, but I haven't
written any new songs in ages.
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:Playing guitar and doing
improv is my little treat
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:that I like to give to myself.
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:It's my reward for doing well at work.
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:Right now, it doesn't feel
like I deserve a reward.
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:I went to an expat
meetup thing last night.
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:I wanted to try and meet new people,
just to try and get my confidence back.
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:It sort of worked.
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:I guess.
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:I met some people that were nice
enough, but I had very little interest
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:in becoming friends with them.
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:It felt like all the people there,
including me, were desperately
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:clinging on to the smallest things
that we all have in common and kidding
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:ourselves that that made us friends.
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:People that go to these things are lonely.
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:It saddens me that I'm
now one of those people.
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:Ah, the dreaded Christmas plans.
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:I'll be going home for a few
days this year, for nothing.
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:I don't really want to see
anyone at home, to be honest.
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:Then I'll fly back to
Frankfurt for New Year's.
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:Also for nothing.
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:I think I'll end up spending
most of my time on my own again.
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:Or maybe I'll be lonely and miserable
at another expat meetup event.
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:Is that sadder than being alone?
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:I'm not sure.
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:Okay, thank you very much
for listening to that.
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:As usual, I've written down
some thoughts after reading
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:that back and hearing that back.
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:There's quite a lot going on
in this entry, and I have very
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:mixed feelings about this one.
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:Part of me felt really excited when I
read this journal entry again because
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:I could see myself starting to develop
the mindset that I needed to leave
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:academia, although I actually didn't even
realize I was doing that at the time.
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:And I'm excited to get the chance to
expand on that and share that with you.
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:But at the same time, this
journal entry was quite sad.
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:28 year old Simit had completely
lost his confidence at this point,
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:and I can remember just how much
of an impact that had on me.
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:And it's not pleasant to see
myself going through that and
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:see myself suffer so much.
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:So i'm going to talk a little bit about
how this journal entry shows some of
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:the mindset changes I started to make
in order to leave academia I'll talk a
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:little bit about self esteem and i'll
share some ideas and thoughts I have on
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:self kindness Or unkindness in this case
and i'll talk a little bit about adult
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:loneliness as well This journal entry is
the very first written record I have of
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:The most important question I had to ask
myself when it came to leaving academia.
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:And it's actually one of the most
important lessons I've learned in life,
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:in terms of making career choices.
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:And to this day it's really guided me
through all my, my career decisions.
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:So I asked the question in the journal
entry, should I change the way I work
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:to suit the job, or should I change
the job to suit the way I like to work?
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:I hadn't figured out the answer to
this question at this point when I
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:wrote this journal entry, but this was
the time that that seed was planted.
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:I can tell you that I eventually figured
out the answer to that question, and yes,
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:you should always change the job to suit
the way you like to work, if you can.
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:Today, 12 years later, I
still live by that rule.
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:The job should suit the
way you like to work.
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:When I say the way you like to work, I
mean things like the nature of the tasks
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:you do, uh, how success is measured.
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:How your technical skills and softer
skills are valued, what skills you
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:actually use, the impact you have
on people, on society, on whatever,
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:the type of people that you have
to interact with on a day to day
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:basis, the level of autonomy that you
have, all of those sorts of things.
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:And there needs to be an alignment
between the way you naturally
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:like to work and the job itself.
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:I'm not saying that being totally
inflexible is your ticket to success.
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:Not at all.
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:Of course, you do need to be
adaptable and change a little bit
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:to suit the needs of your work.
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:But what I'm saying is that change
that you have to make should be a
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:positive change that aligns with
your values and benefits you.
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:There should not be changes that you have
to make against your values and against
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:the way that you actually like to work.
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:I'll probably end up revisiting this
theme in future journal entries, for
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:now I can tell you that by asking this
question, this is what started me on the
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:process to firstly figure out how I like
to work and how I don't like to work,
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:and then later on I found job titles that
aligned with the way that I like to work.
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:And this was really the main thing
that led me out of academia eventually.
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:For example, one aspect of academic
research is that it is never ending.
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:There's a never ending nature
to scientific research.
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:Working on a research topic is like
having a massive mountain to climb.
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:No matter how close you think you're
getting to the top, you look up and
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:there's just still so far to go.
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:You could be climbing that mountain for
decades and it will still never end.
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:I'm sure there are some people that
really love that about academic research.
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:Some of you may love that
about academic research.
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:The never ending nature of it is something
that could motivate you, helps you to
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:thrive, it helps you to, to keep going.
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:If that's the case for you,
then great, good for you.
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:But for me, there was this misalignment
between how I like to work and
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:the nature of academic research.
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:I realised that I didn't like
working on these massive,
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:seemingly never ending projects.
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:I much prefer to work on smaller,
bite sized pieces of work.
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:When a bite sized piece of work
is complete, it's fully complete.
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:That's the end.
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:That's the end, and you can
move on to the next bit of work.
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:That's just one example, but there
were lots of other things that
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:led to this misalignment too.
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:And eventually this helped me
to find my calling as a field
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:application scientist, or a FAS.
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:That was my first job outside of academia.
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:And as a FAS, you end up working
on lots of standalone, bite sized
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:tasks, like tech support cases, a
specific piece of user documentation.
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:a specific training workshop, etc.
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:And when one of those tasks ends
it's done and you can move on to
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:something else And in a lot of
cases you don't have to revisit that
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:specific task That was much more in
alignment with the way I like to work.
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:Right now, in 2025, I'm transitioning
away from being a FAZ because I've
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:changed, and I need to find new work
that's in alignment with those changes.
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:Since leaving academia, I have also
ended up in situations where I was
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:being forced to go against this
idea, where I was constantly having
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:to change the way I work to suit the
job in a way that was uncomfortable
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:for me, and that's been a source of
great conflict for me in some jobs.
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:Sometimes life doesn't allow
you the luxury of being able to
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:leave a job that you don't like.
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:Sometimes you have to stick around because
you need the steady paycheck or you've
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:got a family to support or whatever.
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:But one thing I have learned when
you are forced to live against your
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:beliefs and your values is that that
conflict can really help solidify what
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:your beliefs and values actually are.
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:When you find yourself living in
a way that goes against what's
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:important to you, you can get this
strong sense in your gut that tells
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:you you're doing something wrong.
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:And that's a very clear message from
inside you that what you're doing is
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:going against your beliefs and values,
and that's a great way to figure out
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:what your beliefs and values are.
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:So I still live by this belief today, and
it really has guided me through my career
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:and Many other things in my life over
the next few episodes and going into the
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:third year of my postdoc you'll see how I
Evolved this belief and used it to guide
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:myself out of academia in this journal
entry I hadn't really arrived at that
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:point where I figured out any of this yet.
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:I was just asking the question I was still
at the point where I had this belief that
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:there was something wrong with me I was
still at the point where I thought there
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:was a fundamental problem with me and
my approach and the way I was working.
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:I thought there was, you know, something
wrong with the way my brain was wired or
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:something that prevented me from churning
out publications the way I needed to be.
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:And I was working extremely hard at
this point and I tried everything
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:to change myself to suit the job.
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:I was trying every project management
technique to become more efficient.
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:I had this big wall of crazy
in my office where I just.
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:Started sticking these notes and
sheets of paper and I was connecting
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:everything, but string, uh, I was going
totally crazy Just trying to use every
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:technique I could possibly think of to
make me more efficient and work better
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:and more productively I was drinking
coffee on the way to work so that When
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:I arrived at my desk, I would be fully
caffeinated and I was ready to start
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:working from the second I sat down.
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:And it was working.
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:I was, like, being very productive.
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:I was pumping out hundreds of
samples in the lab every week.
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:I was working on three projects at a time.
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:I was ticking off those individual things
I had to do every week from my to do list.
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:I was putting in so much effort
and working with such intensity.
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:I was genuinely trying my best.
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:And yet, I was being told that my
performance wasn't good enough by my boss.
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:Because in academia,
it's not about effort.
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:It's about publications, grants,
and these other very specific
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:bullshit metrics of success.
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:Putting in so much effort and being
told that it's not good enough
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:completely destroyed my self esteem.
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:And that's because I couldn't see any
external evidence in my environment
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:around me that I was any good at my job.
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:So I was led to the conclusion
that I wasn't good at my job.
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:I was getting a feeling
of intrinsic satisfaction.
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:When I was ticking
things off my to do list.
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:And I remember moments of feeling like
I was doing the best I possibly could
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:do, and I should be pleased with that.
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:So there was some small amount of
positive feedback, but I was getting
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:that internally, not externally.
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:Externally, I had my boss telling me
I wasn't performing well enough, I was
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:nearly two years into my postdoc, and
I had no first author publication yet.
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:I remember my boss telling me
in academia, it's up or out.
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:You're either constantly
publishing and climbing a ladder
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:or you're on your way out.
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:I was also seeing other colleagues and
postdocs publish in Science and Nature.
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:Every few weeks it felt like there was a
champagne celebration at 11am to celebrate
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:someone else's academic achievement.
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:And that just served as a little
reminder that it was never my academic
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:achievement and I was falling behind.
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:Later on in the entry, I explained how I
usually rely on external validation from
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:others for me to feel good about myself.
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:Like the interaction I had
with that friend on the train.
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:I also needed that external validation
from my work environment to tell
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:me that I was doing well at work.
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:And I wasn't really getting that.
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:There is probably some negativity
bias at play here, where I was
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:giving more weight to that negative
external reinforcement rather than
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:that positive internal reinforcement.
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:Either way, the impact of all of this
was that I was really losing confidence.
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:I had a total lack of self esteem.
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:I even said in that journal entry that
I didn't believe I deserved to be happy.
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:Looking back on that period of time
and trying to figure out what I could
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:have done differently to make sure that
I was pumping out papers much faster
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:is a gigantic waste of time, I think.
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:I think it's more valuable and more
useful to talk about how unkind I was
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:being to myself and what I could have
done differently in that respect.
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:Frankly, learning how to navigate your
emotions will carry you much further
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:in life than a few publications.
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:All the things I wrote after
that interaction I had with my
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:friend on the train was Me being
extremely unkind to myself.
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:I didn't feel proud of myself, I
didn't believe in myself, and it
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:really breaks my heart to hear
myself put myself down so much.
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:It's like seeing someone I
love and care about being hurt.
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:I always end each episode of this podcast
by saying, please be kind to yourself.
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:I think a lot of people don't
know how to do that exactly.
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:I certainly didn't back then.
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:I think being kind to yourself can
be quite an abstract concept to
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:people, especially when Uh, you're
in a negative mindset and it's very
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:hard to understand what that is.
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:One thing that has helped me to understand
what it means to be kind to yourself is
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:to recognize in the moment when you're not
being kind to yourself, catching yourself
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:doing it while you're doing it and calling
yourself out on it can really help you to
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:understand this concept of self kindness.
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:It helps you to take that moment that
you need to sort of step outside of
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:yourself and look at the situation
as if you were talking to a friend.
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:In general, I think that's not really easy
to do, but if you learn and teach yourself
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:and you train yourself to recognize
the moments that you are being unkind
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:to yourself, that can really help you.
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:It's kind of similar to what I
was saying before about, uh, going
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:against your beliefs to understand
what your beliefs actually are.
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:Sometimes it's only possible
to understand something.
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:By seeing the opposite what I wish I
had done at the time that I was writing
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:this journal entry Is let myself have
that low self esteem moment and say a
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:bunch of bad things about myself and
then Do a little bit more work to call
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:myself out on it and write a few extra
sentences saying Everything I wrote just
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:there is me being very unkind to myself.
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:That's probably not helpful.
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:I deserve a lot better That's what
I do today, anyway, and I can tell
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:you that it helps to break that cycle
of self unkindness and then once
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:you do that Somehow self kindness
just naturally flows from there.
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:At the end of this journal entry, I
touched on a few challenges Around
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:being an expat in a foreign country,
making friends, and loneliness.
309
:I shared some opinions I had about expat
friendships and how many of those are born
310
:out of desperation, which is not the best
foundation for long lasting friendships.
311
:I think my loneliness was at
an all time high at this point.
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:Adult loneliness in general is, is a huge
topic and there are some great podcasts
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:out there by people much smarter than
me who are talking about this at length.
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:All I will say about it, uh, knowing what
I know now, Is that it definitely takes
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:a long time to form real friendships.
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:They say that you need to spend
at least 200 hours with someone
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:to actually form a friendship.
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:And making friends certainly
gets harder as you get older.
319
:I think the life of a postdoc
in general can be very lonely.
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:Because you are getting older
and you don't have a lot of
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:time to form proper friendships.
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:Most post doc contracts are
short, fixed term contracts.
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:So you don't really get more
than one or two years to try and
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:make friends and build a life.
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:It's just not enough time.
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:Compared to a PhD, for example, where
you might have four, five, or even
327
:six years where you spend time with
other people who are a similar age
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:and in the same situation to you.
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:And there are lots of factors
that contribute to loneliness.
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:In my case, when I wrote this journal
entry, my life was set up in a way
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:that amplified a lot of loneliness.
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:You know, doing independent research
in academia is a lonely experience.
333
:Being an expat in a foreign
country is a lonely experience.
334
:Living alone can be a lonely experience.
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:And I didn't know if I was going to have
to leave the country in a few months
336
:or not because I still had this fixed
term contract hanging over my head.
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:But this means that if you're experiencing
loneliness It's not down to an inherent
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:problem with you that makes you lonely.
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:It's not your personality.
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:It's not the bad choices you've made.
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:It's not that you're not making
enough effort or whatever.
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:There are plenty of external
factors beyond your control that
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:contribute to adult loneliness.
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:So there you have it.
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:I really enjoyed going
through that episode.
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:There is a part of me that's
starting to feel like an old man
347
:that just has a strong urge to impart
wisdom on anyone who will listen.
348
:I think that happens when you get older,
you start to feel this need to give
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:younger people advice based on your
own past experiences and what you've
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:learned, even if people don't ask for it.
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:In the next episode, we jump to 2013.
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:The next journal entry is a very different
type of journal entry compared to the rest
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:of the journal It takes on a completely
different format and it actually details
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:the very next step I took towards leaving
academia Thank you so much for joining me.
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:I hope that was valuable for you
in some way Until next time now
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:that you know how to be kind to
yourself Please be kind to yourself.
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:Thanks again for listening
to a postdocs journal.
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:I've been your host, Samit Patel.
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:If you've enjoyed this episode and you'd
like to help support the podcast, please
360
:share it with others who you think
might find it helpful and interesting.
361
:You could also leave a review over
at Podchaser or on Apple Podcasts.
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:If you can relate to anything in
this episode, or if you have your
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:own take on this journal entry,
I would love to hear from you.
364
:Please feel free to reach out to me
on LinkedIn, Instagram, or Blue Sky.
365
:Links to all my social
media are in the show notes.
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:Thanks again.