EPISODE 9: ON BORROWED TIME

Speaker: 00:00:07

Hello and welcome to a Postdocs Journal,

the show that takes you through my journey

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into and eventually out of academia

as a post doctoral research scientist.

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My name is Simit Patel.

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Hello, thank you very much for joining me.

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Welcome back to those of you who have

listened to the show before, and a very

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warm welcome to those of you who may

be listening for the very first time.

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If you don't already know, this podcast

is based on my own personal journal.

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In each episode, I read out a journal

entry from about 12 years ago, back

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when I was working in academia, as

a research scientist, as a postdoc.

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Then I reflect on it, I analyze

it, I try to make sense of it.

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And I shared my thoughts with you today

with the benefit of 12 years of hindsight

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If you are a student or a postdoc or

just someone struggling in academia

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Or you may have already left academia

or you may not work in academia at

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all And you can just relate to things

like imposter syndrome Loneliness and

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mental health issues in the workplace.

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I hope that by sharing my own personal

experience with you That helps you

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to feel a little bit less alone.

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In the last episode, it was just before

Christmas: 2012

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my very first year of my postdoc.

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Over the next four episodes, including

this one, I'm gonna share with you four

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journal entries from the year 2013.

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It was actually a very eventful year for

me and I was journaling a lot more, but

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the other journal entries weren't really

about postdoc stuff, because the focus

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of this podcast is my life as a postdoc.

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I'm not going to bore you with

all the other drama that was

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happening in my life at the time.

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Despite only having four journal

entries to share with you, the second

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year of my postdoc was actually a very

pivotal year for me and my career.

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In today's episode, we're going to

jump to July: 2013

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half years into my two year postdoc.

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At this point, I was already in

discussions with my boss about

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extending my contract by another

year, but things are rarely that

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straightforward in academia.

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At this point I started to

encounter some of the very harsh

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realities of working in academia.

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I always knew that things like limited

funding and a lack of job security,

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fixed term contracts and internal

politics were always a problem, but it

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never really hit home until those things

were really affecting me directly.

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I always understood those were challenges

but I never really understood the

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impact of those challenges and I only

understood the impact of those challenges

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when they were actually impacting me.

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So please have a listen to the

reading now, I'll be back at the

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end to share some thoughts with

you after 12 years of hindsight.

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Enjoy.

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19th July 2013.

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Just had a meeting with

my boss about my contract.

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Oh boy.

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So my new contract can't start until

the next funding period for the

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whole Research Institute, which will

be around next summer in July: 2014

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My contract ends in January 2014.

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This leaves a five month gap between

February and the end of June where I can't

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be employed by my research institute.

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My boss is willing to gamble and

use the remaining research budget

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to employ me for that five months.

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I forgot to ask, and I regret it now,

if that would mean a pay cut for me.

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The only condition he gave me was

that I need to have the snail project

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finished by the end of January.

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He also told me that

I'm not visible enough.

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I have kept myself to myself and

I haven't really networked with

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other professors or postdocs.

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Networking gives me more

insurance, apparently.

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It means my boss could ask

someone else for some postdoc

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funding for a month or so.

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When he tried that, it didn't work

because no one knew who I was.

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He has been really fair and

he is being so good to me.

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throwing me these lifelines

and investing in me this way.

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And his criticism of me

is 100 percent valid.

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I just feel a bit like I've failed.

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Up until this point, I should have

published more, networked more.

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Instead of enjoying my life and

laughing all the time, I should have

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been taking things more seriously.

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I think I've just been taken down a peg.

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And because I'm so insecure

and weak, it really gets to me.

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These negative thoughts are

like worms dangling from my

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head, I can't shake them loose.

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What I need is some good planning.

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Real deadlines and targets

for the next six months.

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I just need to once and for all

change my attitude and apply myself.

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Just work harder and stop

being so lazy and scared.

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Instead, I need to be brave and active.

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Okay, thank you very much

for listening to that.

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As usual, I've written down

some thoughts after reading

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that back and hearing that back.

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This is another one of those moments

where doing this podcast, I feel like I

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am re experiencing a lot of the issues

I was having in the journal entry.

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In this journal entry, I write about how

I feel like I failed and when I read that

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back, I honestly have the same feeling.

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I also remember how uncomfortable

all of those conversations were with

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my boss about my performance and

my contract situation and so on.

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And even after 12 years, all those

frustrations around that lack of job

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security and All the other problems

I was having still frustrates me.

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I guess I never really addressed

a lot of those feelings, I just

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sort of suppressed them over time.

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They say that time heals all wounds.

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That's total bullshit.

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It doesn't.

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It just makes you forget

things temporarily so that

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you can continue to function.

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So I mainly want to reflect on the lack

of job security in academia and the

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effect that had on me, and I want to

talk about me not being visible enough.

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and whatever else comes up along the way.

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This journal entry highlights

some of the issues around a total

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lack of job security in academia.

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In my case, there were a few factors

at play that contributed to that.

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Just to explain the wider funding

issue for the whole research

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institute a little bit more.

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So the whole research institute I worked

at was on a seven year funding cycle.

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And because it was public money,

there needs to be checks and balances

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in place and of course lots of

bureaucracy to make sure that the

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public money was not being wasted.

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The seventh year of that funding cycle

coincided with the extension of my

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contract and there was a massive review

underway to determine whether or not the

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research institute would even continue.

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Everyone kind of expected it to

continue, you know, at that point we had

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moved into a new building and we were

Pretty sure it was too big to fail at

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that point, but no one could actually

start any new work contracts until

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all the bureaucracy was dealt with.

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I'm not going to comment too much about

the problems with public science funding.

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Honestly, it's a little bit beyond

my field of expertise, and frankly,

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I don't want to bring it up as a

problem if I can't offer a solution,

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and I don't know what the solution is.

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But the detrimental effect

on job security is obvious.

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Working in such a financially insecure

environment can be very unsettling.

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In general, I think as

humans, we crave safety.

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It's a fundamental human need to

want to be safe in your environment.

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When you have the constant threat around

you of financial instability and a

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working culture where short, fixed term

contracts are the absolute norm, it's

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difficult to feel a sense of safety.

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When you know your work environment

isn't safe, it's natural to

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want to get away from it and

move towards a safer situation.

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Or what you think is going

to be a safer situation.

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And I think this laid the groundwork for

one of the biggest conflicts throughout

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the rest of my time in academia.

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On the one hand, I was getting

this signal that this is a very

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unsafe, insecure environment

and I need to get away from it.

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On the other hand, I was being

given a five month contract

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to stay a little bit longer.

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And I actually wanted to stay longer.

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So it's like I was being pushed away

by my instincts and pulled closer to

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academia as well, also by my free will.

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I heard something recently

and I think it applies here.

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I think the quote said something

like, people will prefer to stay

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with the pain that's familiar

rather than risk the unfamiliar.

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Another factor that made things difficult

for me was that I didn't have my own

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research grant to be employed on.

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I've explained before in previous

episodes that there are plenty

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of job opportunities in academia.

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Uh, it's just that you have to

find a way to pay for the job

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yourself via a research grant.

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On reflection, even if I had managed

to submit a grant application in

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the first year of my postdoc, I

probably wouldn't have won it because

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my publication record wasn't too

impressive at that point in time.

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In my case, my boss was able to move

some money around and create a five month

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cushion for me, but it meant that there

was no money left to pay for any research.

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So yes, my boss wanted to continue working

with me, but that didn't fill me with a

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sense of confidence like it should have.

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Instead, there was a sense

that I was being a burden.

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A burden on the whole research group.

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And it was a problem for me

to continue in my own job.

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There was a sense of guilt, you

know, I was responsible for no one

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being able to pay for any research.

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Now part of that is down to me, I

know that, I'm sure there's something

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in my psychology that makes me feel

like I'm a burden just for existing.

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There was a sense that my

boss was doing me a favour.

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That was a little bit painful for

him and painful for everyone else,

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and I should be very grateful for

this very short fixed term contract.

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I should add that I didn't actually

know if I could stay any longer after

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those five months until the very end of

those five months, because of the whole

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funding cycle bureaucracy nonsense.

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And I wasn't the only one in

that situation, and pretty much

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everyone at the Research Institute

was worried about that too.

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And I think this speaks to how

normalized these fixed term

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contracts are in academic culture.

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In a previous episode, I spoke about how

that actually appealed to me at one point.

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I thought it was actually quite exciting

to be able to move around every couple

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of months or every couple of years.

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But when I actually had to experience

living a life of having to Live from

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one fixed term contract to another.

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It basically became

impossible to plan my life.

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Living in a permanent state of

insecurity and uncertainty is

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not really a good way to live.

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Now since leaving academia and

working for companies in the quote

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unquote real world, I have enjoyed

more job security in general.

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For example, I haven't had to

deal with any fixed term contracts

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for the last 10 years or so.

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And funding is never dependent on

public money and all the bureaucracy

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that comes with it But I have to say

that threats to job security Outside

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of academia still exist and those

threats just come from different places.

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They don't come from fixed term contracts

or Public money funding cycles and

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things they just come from other places

So while I have had these so called

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permanent contracts over the last 10

years I've actually been laid off from

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companies twice in the last couple

of years because of other financial

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factors while companies may not be

Directly dependent on public funds.

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They are heavily affected by macroeconomic

conditions in general So the threat of

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financial instability is still very real

So although I complained so much at the

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time back then of a lack of job security

in academia I've learned that financial

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instability and a lack of job security are

just an unfortunate reality of the world

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we live in today even outside of academia

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and that kind of thing can really

affect your mental health because

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Again, because of that fundamental

need that we have for safety.

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I wrote about not being visible enough

and how that was, uh, counting against

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me and that was to my detriment.

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There's a few layers to this one as well.

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On one level, academia can be deeply

political, like in many professions.

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It's more about who you know

and who you are kind of in with.

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That's just one of the rules of the game.

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If you don't agree with those

rules, or for whatever reason

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you don't play by those rules, it

becomes much harder to survive.

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I really didn't play by those rules, and

that was partly down to me, but partly

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down to the environment around me as well.

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I definitely witnessed others

play the political game.

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There were people that would, you know,

go to archery together, and they would go

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on dog walks on the weekend together, they

would go hunting together, or whatever.

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And I could see how that would positively

affect those people's reputation

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and status amongst other colleagues,

especially amongst the professors.

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And for my part, I never really

wanted to get ahead that way.

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I feel like schmoozing people just

to be kind of in with the right

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people just didn't sit right with me.

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There's something very disingenuous

and superficial about that.

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I still hate playing the

political game today as well.

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I haven't changed at all in that respect

I prefer earning more genuine meaningful

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connections with people based on my

merits That might also be to my detriment

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today But life isn't really always

about just climbing a career ladder.

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That's just one aspect of life And

ultimately you realize after climbing

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that ladder what's at the top just isn't

really worth it because you've lost so

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much along the way I think life is more

about living authentically according to

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your values rather than trying to climb

up The other thing that I think made me

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kind of invisible at the time was my lack

of confidence and self worth Because I

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didn't feel like I was successful yet.

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I didn't want to put myself out

there and network more with people

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because I felt embarrassed to

say that I wasn't successful yet.

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Successful in an academic sense, that is.

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I still felt like a fraud at that point.

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I didn't feel worthy to be there.

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Today, I'm a bit ashamed to say it,

but I honestly still struggle with

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the same mindset issues a little bit.

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If things aren't going well for

me, if I don't feel like I'm being

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successful I feel a lot less social.

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I don't want to network, I don't

want to socialise, or even reach

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out to friends to catch up.

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When I meet people at networking

events or see people, I want to

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tell them about how successful I am.

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I want things to be going well

for me, so that other people

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think better of me, I guess.

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In my mind, it's like I I have

this need to be successful first,

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and then I can have the confidence

to go and talk to people.

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Logically, I know it's

actually the other way around.

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I need to talk to people first in

order to help me become successful.

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But my instincts don't seem to know that.

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Back when I was in academia, I needed

to network more in the department

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so people would know who I was.

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And that would help me in

these difficult contract talks

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today I'm struggling with the same issue

with trying to start my own business

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I need to be networking right now and

reaching out to people to get clients

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But I feel ashamed to do that because I

feel like I need to be successful first

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I I feel like I don't have the confidence

to go and try and drum up business And

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that's holding my business back right now

It's interesting to see how this mindset

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was holding me back in academia and it's

still holding me back today As shitty

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as that makes me feel right now about

myself It does give me some clear things

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to work on And I am old enough and wise

enough to know that that's actually a

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good thing The sad thing is when I look

back on it is networking was actually one

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of my key strengths before I started my

postdoc It's actually how I got offered

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this postdoc in the first place But it's

sad because I didn't capitalize on that.

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I didn't Lean into my strengths

and maximize my value.

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I think in general this highlights

one of the key problems I think in

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our education system I was always

taught that you have to work harder

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at the things you're not so good at.

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That's how you improve

and become better at them.

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But in practice, what happens with me

back then and now, I end up neglecting

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the things I'm actually good at and

not nurturing those things and not

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leaning into my strengths so much.

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In this case, I became so focused

on trying to generate data, trying

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to publish, trying to get grants.

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All my focus was on those.

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Areas where I thought I was failing

and I ended up just not capitalizing

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on one of my core strengths, which

was networking But I also think it's

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worth mentioning here that there

were various external things that

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were slightly beyond my control That

actually made it harder for me to be

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visible in the department in many ways

I did not fit the norm of the academic

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establishment at my research institute.

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I'm a british born asian from a

different academic system from a

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different country with no academic

or cultural ties to anyone.

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And that makes it difficult for me to

fit in compared to, say, another postdoc

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who may have grown up in the German

academic system who does archery and

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likes to go on dog walks or whatever.

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In German academia, and I think in a

lot of academia in general, you get

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these so called academic family trees

across a small set of academic research

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institutions where you get this one

ancient academic supervisor who supervises

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a bunch of people who go on to have their

own labs and collaborate with each other

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and they go on to have their own mentees

and who have their own labs and they all

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collaborate with each other and so on.

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So you can pick any given professor in

an academic department and trace back

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their academic lineage to the the same

small handful of ancestral academics.

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It's very hard for someone to come

in and fit into that structure right

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away, especially someone who doesn't

fit the norm of that genealogy.

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I was never really ready to

fully integrate into that

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culture of German academia.

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It's very hard to when you don't speak

the language and you don't know if you're

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going to be there in five months time.

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You just don't know whether it's

worth making that kind of investment.

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Toward the end of the century,

I started to make sense of

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my problems in the failure.

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I was telling myself that I was

the problem, and I was generally

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being really harsh on myself.

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I thought that I wasn't publishing

enough, I wasn't networking enough, I

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: 00:20:19

wasn't planning well enough, I wasn't

applying myself enough, I had the wrong

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attitude, I was being lazy, I wasn't

working hard or smart enough, etc.

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And at this point I thought

that I had to change myself

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to suit the needs of the job.

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This laid the groundwork for one of the

most important life lessons I learnt from

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: 00:20:42

my time in academia, which is actually

coming up in the next couple of episodes.

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For now, all I'll say is that I

know I was wrong for going down

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this line of thought, thinking that

I was fundamentally the problem.

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There was one sentence that really

stood out to me that makes me cringe

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and breaks my heart a little bit.

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I said something like I felt

bad for actually trying to enjoy

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my life and laughing too much.

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I think this goes back to what we

talked about in the last episode

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about my attitude towards work.

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I believe that work is something

serious and that you weren't

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really supposed to enjoy it.

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You can love it, and you can be passionate

about it, but not necessarily enjoy it.

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So I was assuming that enjoying

my life was a marker for me

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not working hard enough, and

not taking it seriously enough.

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: 00:21:31

I really regret having

this attitude at the time.

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I was really just making myself

unnecessarily miserable, believing that

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: 00:21:38

that would be the path to success at work.

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: 00:21:42

From what I know now, I can

tell you that it's not the path

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: 00:21:45

to success in the long run.

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: 00:21:47

I guess it depends on what your

definition of success is, and

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: 00:21:49

that certainly changes over time.

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: 00:21:52

But for me, I just really wasn't

happy and that does not align with my

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: 00:21:56

definition of success I do hope a younger

generation is growing up understanding

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that enjoying your life along the way

and laughing as much as possible Is

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: 00:22:06

probably the most important thing If

and when I have children, I want to

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: 00:22:13

make sure that they don't grow up with

the same attitude to work that I had.

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: 00:22:18

So, there you have it.

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: 00:22:20

As always, I do feel a bit better

after having gone through all

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: 00:22:23

of that and saying it out loud.

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: 00:22:24

Actually, hearing it back in audio

form seems to make me feel better.

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: 00:22:29

I think the, the editing process of

this podcast helps me to structure

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: 00:22:34

my thoughts a little bit and

understand everything in its entirety.

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: 00:22:39

When I was reflecting on the whole

uncertain contract situation, it was

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: 00:22:43

really helpful for me to take a more

balanced view of the internal reasons for

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: 00:22:48

why that situation was difficult for me

and all the external reasons that were.

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: 00:22:53

making that situation difficult for me.

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: 00:22:57

I do believe in taking responsibility

for my own choices, but that doesn't

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: 00:23:01

always mean that it's all my fault and

I should blame myself all the time.

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: 00:23:05

I think it's fair to say that there

are fundamental problems in the

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: 00:23:08

academic system that made it hard

for me to survive in that system.

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: 00:23:14

In the next episode we have another

big time jump to December: 2013

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: 00:23:19

I'm in a much worse position at this

point, and it really didn't help that I

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: 00:23:23

just fucking hated Christmas at the time.

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: 00:23:25

But, this is the first general

entry where I wrote down the most

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: 00:23:28

important life lesson that I took

away from my entire time in academia.

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: 00:23:34

Thank you so much for joining me, I hope

that was valuable for you in some way.

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: 00:23:37

Until next time, please

be kind to yourself.

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: 00:23:46

Brute about it, brute until the day,

one day I will clown the words to say.

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: 00:24:02

Thanks again for listening

to a Postdocs Journal.

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: 00:24:05

I've been your host, Sumit Patel.

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: 00:24:08

If you've enjoyed this episode and you'd

like to help support the podcast, please

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: 00:24:12

share it with others who you think

might find it helpful and interesting.

363

: 00:24:16

You could also leave a review over

at Podchaser or on Apple Podcasts.

364

: 00:24:20

If you can relate to anything in

this episode, or if you have your

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: 00:24:24

own take on this journal entry,

I would love to hear from you.

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: 00:24:28

Please feel free to reach out to me

on LinkedIn, Instagram, or Blue Sky.

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: 00:24:32

Links to all my social

media are in the show notes.

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: 00:24:36

Thanks again.